Life's Like That
1. My daughter, Patti, was having difficulty balancing her checkbook, so I sent her a calculator. I included an extra set of batteries and this note: “These are for the first time you forget to turn off your calculator.” She wrote back, “I appreciate your gift, Mom. And thanks for the extra batteries. You forgot to turn off the calculator.” (Lari Osborn)
2. When I took a pair of slacks to the dry cleaners, I pointed out to the clerk the double creases that had been left from the previous cleaning. I asked him to make sure the trousers received proper treatment this time. Upon picking up the pants, I was relieved to see they had been pressed perfectly. Glancing at the garment ticket, I read: “Pay attention to creases. Customer would like one per leg.” (RT. Andersen)
3. With me in the car when I returned some books to the library were my two long-haired dachshunds. Ozy, who was on the backseat, has a habit of barking for a minute or so after being left in the car. Shandy, which remains quiet, was on the front passenger seat when I parked in the lot near the library. I was away for only a moment, and as I returned to the car, I could hear Ozy barking. The driver of the car parked next to mine had a puzzled expression on his face. It was obvious that, while he had seen Shandy sitting on the front seat, he was unaware of a second dog in the back. “That’s the first time I’ve seen a dog that could bark without moving its lips,” he remarked. (Ronald F. Ferrie)
4. Four friends met at a restaurant for lunch. For quite a while, no one said a word. Finally the first man mumbled, “Oh, boy!” To which the next one said, “It’s awful.” The third then muttered, “What are you going to do?”
“Listen,” exclaimed the last friend, “if you guys don’t stop talking politics, I’m leaving!” (William Novak and Moshe Waldoks, The Big Book of Jewish Humor)
5. A producer hired a talented young actor whose ego became more inflated with each hit. After another successful opening night, the actor strutted haughtily off the stage. Just as he disappeared in to the wings, there was a loud explosion in the street. “By golly,” the producer gasped, “his head’s burst.” (Joe Martinez in QUOTE)
6. Hear about the woman who sent out 40000 valentine cards doused in French perfume and signed “guess who?” She is a divorce lawyer. (Robert Orben)
7. A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some sensitive information from an agent named Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer. “Hello,” the agent said, “I’m looking for a man named Murphy.” “Well, you’re in luck,” said the farmer. “As it happens, there is a village right over the hill where the butcher is named Murphy, the baker is named Murphy and three widows are named Murphy. Matter of fact, my name is Murphy.” Aha, the agent thought, here’s my man. So he whispered the secret code: “The sun is shining … the grass is growing … the cows are ready for milking.” “Oh,” said the farmer, “you’re looking for Murphy the spy – he’s in the village over the other direction.” (Raymond W. Smith in Vital Speeches of the Day)
8. Psychiatrist: “Why can’t you sleep at night?”
Patient : “Because I’m trying to solve the world’s problems.”
Psychiatrist: “Ever get them solved?”
Patient : “Almost every time.”
Psychiatrist: “Then why can’t you sleep?”
Patient : “The parades they hold for me keep me awake.” (Funny Funny World)
9. A butler named James work for a wealthy couple. The wife was very beautiful and much younger than her husband. One evening they told James that they’d be out late, but the wife came home alone earlier than expected. “James,” she said, “come to my room.” He followed her. She closed the door and said, “Take off my dress.” He did so. “Now my stocking,” she continued. He rolled them down. “And off with my lingerie.” He removed all that too. “Now, James,” she said, looking him in the eye, “don’t ever let me find you wearing my clothes again.” (Quoted by Frederick Waterman in Forbes FYI)
10. The new dictionary will be in book store soon,” says comedian. “They say this edition reflects our evolving language. I looked up tax cut and said: ‘See tax hike.’”
2. When I took a pair of slacks to the dry cleaners, I pointed out to the clerk the double creases that had been left from the previous cleaning. I asked him to make sure the trousers received proper treatment this time. Upon picking up the pants, I was relieved to see they had been pressed perfectly. Glancing at the garment ticket, I read: “Pay attention to creases. Customer would like one per leg.” (RT. Andersen)
3. With me in the car when I returned some books to the library were my two long-haired dachshunds. Ozy, who was on the backseat, has a habit of barking for a minute or so after being left in the car. Shandy, which remains quiet, was on the front passenger seat when I parked in the lot near the library. I was away for only a moment, and as I returned to the car, I could hear Ozy barking. The driver of the car parked next to mine had a puzzled expression on his face. It was obvious that, while he had seen Shandy sitting on the front seat, he was unaware of a second dog in the back. “That’s the first time I’ve seen a dog that could bark without moving its lips,” he remarked. (Ronald F. Ferrie)
4. Four friends met at a restaurant for lunch. For quite a while, no one said a word. Finally the first man mumbled, “Oh, boy!” To which the next one said, “It’s awful.” The third then muttered, “What are you going to do?”
“Listen,” exclaimed the last friend, “if you guys don’t stop talking politics, I’m leaving!” (William Novak and Moshe Waldoks, The Big Book of Jewish Humor)
5. A producer hired a talented young actor whose ego became more inflated with each hit. After another successful opening night, the actor strutted haughtily off the stage. Just as he disappeared in to the wings, there was a loud explosion in the street. “By golly,” the producer gasped, “his head’s burst.” (Joe Martinez in QUOTE)
6. Hear about the woman who sent out 40000 valentine cards doused in French perfume and signed “guess who?” She is a divorce lawyer. (Robert Orben)
7. A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some sensitive information from an agent named Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer. “Hello,” the agent said, “I’m looking for a man named Murphy.” “Well, you’re in luck,” said the farmer. “As it happens, there is a village right over the hill where the butcher is named Murphy, the baker is named Murphy and three widows are named Murphy. Matter of fact, my name is Murphy.” Aha, the agent thought, here’s my man. So he whispered the secret code: “The sun is shining … the grass is growing … the cows are ready for milking.” “Oh,” said the farmer, “you’re looking for Murphy the spy – he’s in the village over the other direction.” (Raymond W. Smith in Vital Speeches of the Day)
8. Psychiatrist: “Why can’t you sleep at night?”
Patient : “Because I’m trying to solve the world’s problems.”
Psychiatrist: “Ever get them solved?”
Patient : “Almost every time.”
Psychiatrist: “Then why can’t you sleep?”
Patient : “The parades they hold for me keep me awake.” (Funny Funny World)
9. A butler named James work for a wealthy couple. The wife was very beautiful and much younger than her husband. One evening they told James that they’d be out late, but the wife came home alone earlier than expected. “James,” she said, “come to my room.” He followed her. She closed the door and said, “Take off my dress.” He did so. “Now my stocking,” she continued. He rolled them down. “And off with my lingerie.” He removed all that too. “Now, James,” she said, looking him in the eye, “don’t ever let me find you wearing my clothes again.” (Quoted by Frederick Waterman in Forbes FYI)
10. The new dictionary will be in book store soon,” says comedian. “They say this edition reflects our evolving language. I looked up tax cut and said: ‘See tax hike.’”
